Some days you're perfectly fine, happy, smiling, laughing, with a skip in your walk and do-dah-day. Today is not that day, though. Today, as well as yesterday, is a feeling of intense, overwhelming hopelessness that my life is more stagnant than a cesspool. I'm stuck, and nothing is working out. But who doesn't feel like that at some point in their lives? It's normal.
Except it's more than a feeling. It's a deep-seeded fear corrupting my every thought and emotion. A self-criticism bordering on self-disgust at how pathetic my life is turning out. I'm a 24 year old single mother, who is once more living in her parents' home, and I'm living off child support, with no vehicle or job. I can't even spend time with my fur-baby anymore because of house regulation. Yup. Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond grateful, but sometimes it just all too much.
I've been searching online for something work at home related (because even if I had a vehicle, I still have no one to watch Cecily, and I'd work solely for daycare), and I think that's only making the frustration and sense of hopelessness worse. I grow impatient with where I'm at in life, even as far as editing, wanting to pick up the pace, but remind myself to calm down. DO what's best for the story - DANCING DEMONS, as well as MY PERSONAL story. Just like I should do what's best for Cecily. And I'm trying, really trying, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. She's safe, healthy, clothed, gets what she needs, and I make sure she gets things she wants no matter what I have to sacrifice - but it's not enough.
For me.
I want so much more for her. She's my world, and I know I'm hers, and I just want her happy. I don't want her to ever feel unloved, unwanted, and have to want and need without getting.
My anxiety and depression don't help with the situation. They play off each other, and make everything so much worse. This will seem stupid to some, but I really miss my dog Zoe. She was therapeutic for me, in a way similar to Cecily, and now... I still have her, but it isn't the same because it's my parents' home. Their rules. (And after living away from them for five years... it's sometimes tough to swallow, but swallow I do).
Yes, this is a rant. But I'm a silent sufferer in real life, so it helps to release here, if even just a little. Because I feel like I could cry, but the tears just aren't there. It's deeper than that.
With all this said, I'm very thankful for the non-doom and gloom parts of my life. Cecily, the fact she and I DO have a roof over our heads, my parents, how much they adore Cecily, thankful for my new love (though simultaneously terrified I'll somehow ruin it like I always seem to), and THANKFUL just waking up to see another day. Not everyone is religious, but I am, so I'm very thankful to God for these things. Maybe he's doing all this to teach me patience, because let's face it, I AM NOT a patient person (except for certain instances, like kids and animals for example). It's been almost a year since my now ex-husband and I separated, and I wouldn't say it's been better (I no long have my own place, which I most sincerely miss having, vehicle, I've had to rehome pets, so on so on son, you get the picture). But I think sometimes in life you have to go through trials, so you can then truly appreciate your blessing when it does come.
I won't go into any philosophical or religious rants. No worries. I'm not here for that. Trust me, I'm the LAST person that will ever come from. But hope does keep me going. Hope that somewhere past this grey despair, there is light - that there is happiness without the taint of bitterness, and there is sleep without the lullaby of tears. I hope and I pray and I love.
And I shoulder through it with a smile on, and so I live.
I may feel like this is a hopeless fight, but I'm also stubborn. After all, I'm still here, aren't I? I'm writing this, and not only giving myself inspiration to weather the storm, but hopefully whoever else feels life is a hopeless endeavor. It isn't. Life is tough - concrete and steel tough - but not impossible.
~Katie S. Taylor
Posts
