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3.29.2014

Depression Vs. Writing, and Why She's My Saving Grace

Depression is a never-ending war constantly waging inside you. Sure, some days are better than others, letting the battle-weary soldiers rest, but it's always there. It never truly goes away. 


A lot of people who haven't suffered from depression thinks it's merely feeling sad. Ha - if only it were that simple. 

Yes, that's part of it, but it's also so much more than that. It's a sadness so profound that it actually leaves you numb. So numb you have no will to do anything, you want to cry - maybe eventually you even do - but for the most part you are only stuck. Trapped in a cage of flesh, lost in a sea of emotion - melancholy, worthlessness, even anger, and so many others - storming through you like a juggernaut. You're good at hiding it from others, so no one knows. But you just feel so... Everything encapsulated together... 

Numb.
Hopelessness. 

The fear and sorrowful knowing you mean so little to those around you. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't, but to you it's the truest thing in the universe. And maybe you feel that way because of how strongly you feel for others, knowing it's always unrequited. You wonder what the point is? 

Is there a point? 

Or is it just to live one miserable day after the next, hoping the sun breaks past the dismal dark? 

Except it never does. 

You're just stuck. Forcing yourself to smile and play a game you don't want to, keeping up the facade so those that matter don't realize how screwed up you really are. 

My little girl saves me from the edge. She's the greatest blessing I have, and if not for her, honestly, I don't think I'd be here typing this. She gives my world color where there's so many black and grey, and I could cry at how much I love her. God's granted me a beautiful gift, and I'm not a saint - far from it - but I intend to thank him for it every day. No matter how hopeless it seems because with her and His sheltering grace, through the numbness I feel the smallest prick of hope. And it's enough to carry me through. 

Granted, it doesn't bode well for my writing. Sometimes, especially the horrible days, it's hard to muster up the will to even look at my work. What's the point? I'm just wasting time writing it, aren't I? It's never going to go anywhere - right? The negativity one feels while in the throes of depression is truly astounding. 

Sometimes it's a battle to type that first word. That second word. Maybe I get the third word typed before I sigh and lean back, stare up at the ceiling. Just sit there. Wondering. Contemplating. Would anyone REALLY care...?

I hear her laugh, I hear her shout my name - "Mommy, Mommy!"

The darkness ebbs away, and I look at her. Warmth spears the numbness and chases it away, and my heart swells with love so magnificent... 

She smiles and I smile back - a real smile. She's my saving grace, and I want her to be proud of me. I want to be the best I can for her. So I write some more, and then a little bit more after that, and for a moment, the darkness edges away. 

I'm okay.

God is with me, and I can beat this. One battle at a time. For her. 

 

4 comments:

Christine Danek said...

Thank you for sharing this. It rings so true for me. It's wonderful to have something beautiful in your life.

Katie S. Taylor said...

:) That it is.I don't know what I would do without the bit of beauty either.

Crystal Collier said...

Goodness, I've been there. It was easy to slip into after health complications and that agonizing question: Will this be the new norm? Will I ever feel better, be stronger, or am I to make due with this new reality?

You know what I found? One forced smile at a time, one reminder to think something positive, one effort to search for a grain of hope, it all added up over time. I'm not completely better. I have moments where I slip back in, but I am genuinely finding happiness again in much of life. It shocked me, truly shocked me when someone asked the other day how I as doing and the true response was, "I'm happy."

The Lord definitely throws us lifelines, then shows us the way out, if we're willing to follow. (I loved this btw.)

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Hugs. My mother suffers depression. She denies it, but my whole life was a roller coaster of good days and bad days. The one thing I could always say for my mom is that she loved her kids. There was nothing she wouldn't do for us...including walking away from the edge time and time again.