Pray & Be Happy

I don't have everything I want in life, but that's okay. I'm not always happy, and it's implausible to think every moment will be sunshine and daises, but I am happy. I've made the conscious decision to smile when I'm down, as well as change negative thinking, and those changes alone makes a significant difference. The thing that has helped me most though, is prayer - truly giving my problems to God. I won't go into a triad - my belief and Faith is my own. However, in the journey to find happiness, my spiritual awakening has been the greatest medicine.

So yes, I love a man whom I probably do not have a chance with. No, I'm not living in my own home or have my own vehicle as of now. My novel hasn't been published yet, and my hair will never be sleek, shiny, and straight (bit of nonsense thrown in ;)). But what I do have, I'm incredibly blessed. I have a beautiful daughter, a roof over my head, food to eat - that's more than many have in just this country alone. As for my unrequited love, at least I've experienced it - truly - and I'm thankful for meeting him and any moment I'm given to to spend with him. Again, it's more than what some people have. And you know what, my struggles are what have helped me to realize just how blessed I am and how truly amazing God is. I truly believe everything that has happened in my life, has been God's way of bringing me to him. Closer to him. And I'm thankful for that.

Yes, I still want those things I mentioned and more (some more than others, but I won't get too personal), but I've left it to God and that is all I can do. I won't worry and over think the situations anymore. When I start too, I take a deep breath and I pray and everything is okay. What is supposed to happen will happen, and no matter what, I will be okay. I will make it. I will prevail. I have God, and He - my Faith - is all I need. 

When Life Seems To Be Going Nowhere... Buck Up.

Some days you're perfectly fine, happy, smiling, laughing, with a skip in your walk and do-dah-day. Today is not that day, though. Today, as well as yesterday, is a feeling of intense, overwhelming hopelessness that my life is more stagnant than a cesspool. I'm stuck, and nothing is working out. But who doesn't feel like that at some point in their lives? It's normal.

Except it's more than a feeling. It's a deep-seeded fear corrupting my every thought and emotion. A self-criticism bordering on self-disgust at how pathetic my life is turning out. I'm a 24 year old single mother, who is once more living in her parents' home, and I'm living off child support, with no vehicle or job. I can't even spend time with my fur-baby anymore because of house regulation. Yup. Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond grateful, but sometimes it just all too much. 

I've been searching online for something work at home related (because even if I had a vehicle, I still have no one to watch Cecily, and I'd work solely for daycare), and I think that's only making the frustration and sense of hopelessness worse. I grow impatient with where I'm at in life, even as far as editing, wanting to pick up the pace, but remind myself to calm down. DO what's best for the story - DANCING DEMONS, as well as MY PERSONAL story. Just like I should do what's best for Cecily. And I'm trying, really trying, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. She's safe, healthy, clothed, gets what she needs, and I make sure she gets things she wants no matter what I have to sacrifice - but it's not enough. 

For me. 

I want so much more for her. She's my world, and I know I'm hers, and I just want her happy. I don't want her to ever feel unloved, unwanted, and have to want and need without getting. 

My anxiety and depression don't help with the situation. They play off each other, and make everything so much worse. This will seem stupid to some, but I really miss my dog Zoe. She was therapeutic for me, in a way similar to Cecily, and now... I still have her, but it isn't the same because it's my parents' home. Their rules. (And after living away from them for five years... it's sometimes tough to swallow, but swallow I do). 

Yes, this is a rant. But I'm a silent sufferer in real life, so it helps to release here, if even just a little. Because I feel like I could cry, but the tears just aren't there. It's deeper than that. 

With all this said, I'm very thankful for the non-doom and gloom parts of my life. Cecily, the fact she and I DO have a roof over our heads, my parents, how much they adore Cecily, thankful for my new love (though simultaneously terrified I'll somehow ruin it like I always seem to), and THANKFUL just waking up to see another day. Not everyone is religious, but I am, so I'm very thankful to God for these things. Maybe he's doing all this to teach me patience, because let's face it, I AM NOT a patient person (except for certain instances, like kids and animals for example). It's been almost a year since my now ex-husband and I separated, and I wouldn't say it's been better (I no long have my own place, which I most sincerely miss having, vehicle, I've had to rehome pets, so on so on son, you get the picture). But I think sometimes in life you have to go through trials, so you can then truly appreciate your blessing when it does come. 

I won't go into any philosophical or religious rants. No worries. I'm not here for that. Trust me, I'm the LAST person that will ever come from. But hope does keep me going. Hope that somewhere past this grey despair, there is light - that there is happiness without the taint of bitterness, and there is sleep without the lullaby of tears. I hope and I pray and I love. 

And I shoulder through it with a smile on, and so I live.

I may feel like this is a hopeless fight, but I'm also stubborn. After all, I'm still here, aren't I? I'm writing this, and not only giving myself inspiration to weather the storm, but hopefully whoever else feels life is a hopeless endeavor. It isn't. Life is tough - concrete and steel tough - but not impossible.

~Katie S. Taylor   

Depression Vs. Writing, and Why She's My Saving Grace

Depression is a never-ending war constantly waging inside you. Sure, some days are better than others, letting the battle-weary soldiers rest, but it's always there. It never truly goes away. 

A lot of people who haven't suffered from depression thinks it's merely feeling sad. Ha - if only it were that simple. 

Yes, that's part of it, but it's also so much more than that. It's a sadness so profound that it actually leaves you numb. So numb you have no will to do anything, you want to cry - maybe eventually you even do - but for the most part you are only stuck. Trapped in a cage of flesh, lost in a sea of emotion - melancholy, worthlessness, even anger, and so many others - storming through you like a juggernaut. You're good at hiding it from others, so no one knows. But you just feel so... Everything encapsulated together... 

Numb.

Hopelessness. 

The fear and sorrowful knowing you mean so little to those around you. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't, but to you it's the truest thing in the universe. And maybe you feel that way because of how strongly you feel for others, knowing it's always unrequited. You wonder what the point is? 

Is there a point? 

Or is it just to live one miserable day after the next, hoping the sun breaks past the dismal dark? 

Except it never does. 

You're just stuck. Forcing yourself to smile and play a game you don't want to, keeping up the facade so those that matter don't realize how screwed up you really are. 

My little girl saves me from the edge. She's the greatest blessing I have, and if not for her, honestly, I don't think I'd be here typing this. She gives my world color where there's so many black and grey, and I could cry at how much I love her. God's granted me a beautiful gift, and I'm not a saint - far from it - but I intend to thank him for it every day. No matter how hopeless it seems because with her and His sheltering grace, through the numbness I feel the smallest prick of hope. And it's enough to carry me through. 

Granted, it doesn't bode well for my writing. Sometimes, especially the horrible days, it's hard to muster up the will to even look at my work. What's the point? I'm just wasting time writing it, aren't I? It's never going to go anywhere - right? The negativity one feels while in the throes of depression is truly astounding. 

Sometimes it's a battle to type that first word. That second word. Maybe I get the third word typed before I sigh and lean back, stare up at the ceiling. Just sit there. Wondering. Contemplating. Would anyone REALLY care...?

I hear her laugh, I hear her shout my name - "Mommy, Mommy!"

The darkness ebbs away, and I look at her. Warmth spears the numbness and chases it away, and my heart swells with love so magnificent... 

She smiles and I smile back - a real smile. She's my saving grace, and I want her to be proud of me. I want to be the best I can for her. So I write some more, and then a little bit more after that, and for a moment, the darkness edges away. 

I'm okay.

God is with me, and I can beat this. One battle at a time. For her.